A Treasure To Be Shared

Let’s be honest, dragging a cheese grater over one's thigh sounds almost appealing compared to enduring those mind-numbing situations foisted upon us by people eagerly awaiting their next chance to be offended. I wish I could be abducted by space aliens before tomorrow's staff meeting. I’d prefer a chaotic audit by rabid raccoons over sitting through yet another speech that starts with, “As we reimagine the paradigm moving forward…”. I'd rather navigate rush-hour traffic using only a treasure map than sit through another committee meeting about creating a committee. I'd rather read the terms and conditions for every app on my phone than hear another sermon that mistakes partisan talking points for divine revelation. I'd rather be stranded at sea with a karaoke machine stuck on The Chipmunk Song than endure another lecture where every disagreement is treated as a full-blown crisis. I'd rather watch Joanie Loves Chachi episodes while folding fitted sheets than a...

2026 AIC1 Don’t read too much into this little dive into stereotypes. Still, someone with a knack for reading between the lines might spot an analogy or two with other domains of the Church—beyond the choir loft—like the sanctuary, the pews, the parish council, and so on. Roles may differ, but we are one body. One—that is—when grafted (joined, wed and aligned) to Jesus and His Church. Disclaimer For the record, the prompt for the first image was “create an SATB choir depicting the singers in a stereotypical way.” At first, the AI produced two images. Then it added a conductor and suggested rendering the image in a Baroque style, which resulted in a third image. Why the conductor was included? Who can say? A rogue AI moment? The rehearsal begins. Conductor Let’s start at measure 47. Sopranos, you have the melody. Altos, you have the countermelody. Tenors, you have…  (looks at the score)  …whatever this is. And basses, you have a whole note. Enjoy. Bass A whole note is a lifesty...

Walter Joseph Kovacs (Rorschach) by CohenAW "Do you see what I see? Why don't you see what I see?! I want you to see what I see!" Test #1 What a diocesan Catholic sees: "Liturgical dance." Quod sodalis FSSPX videt: "Blasphemia!" What a charismatic Catholic sees: "Gift of tongues." Test #2 What a diocesan Catholic sees: "Sign of Peace." Quod sodalis FSSPX videt: "Abusus liturgicus!" What a charismatic Catholic sees: "Baptism by fire." Test #3 What a diocesan Catholic sees: "Synodality." Quod sodalis FSSPX videt: "Haeresis!" What a charismatic Catholic sees: "Spirit of Vatican II." Test #4 What a diocesan Catholic sees: "Spectacle!" Quod sodalis FSSPX videt: "Caelum in terra!" What a charismatic Catholic sees: "Um... uh... zabbababaha quaamaaaa feraae auteaaam." Test #5 What a diocesan Catholic sees: "Lay presider." Quod sodalis FSSPX videt: ...

The modern parishioner, eager to be the active participator in modern liturgies, has access to the latest supportive modern technology to support the modern liturgical activist to actively participate in the modern liturgy. Proboscis piercing . Never again lose your Miraculous medal or Saint Anthony medal. Suspend an object of choice from your schnozz. Prayed braid . Rosary hair extensions. Turn your hair braids into a rosary. Trendsetter! Holy water camel pack . Don't be without your personal reservoir of spiritual protection. When Mormons or JWs visit, simply turn the spigot to adjust the flow of water as you shake their hands. Shoe Song . As you walk, a melody is played from technology embedded in your shoes. The tune changes to match the pace of your step. Comes with "Just a Closer Walk with Thee" and "Tis so sweet to walk with Jesus". Use the app to download additional tunes. Shoe Song De-Lux : light your way with this awesome LED upgrade. Liturgical colors...

A word of advice - disregard the following "advice". advice (n.) late 13c., auys "opinion," from Old French avis "opinion, view, judgment, idea" (13c.), from phrase ço m'est à vis "it seems to me," or from Vulgar Latin mi est visum "in my view," ultimately from Latin visum , neuter past participle of videre "to see" (from PIE root weid - "to see"). Meaning "opinion offered as worthy to be followed, counsel" is from late 14c. Soon after the homily starts, prop up your chin with one hand and close your eyes as if engaged in intense concentration. Occasionally nod as if making a silent 'amen'. Wear a hair shirt to Mass. (An oldie but a goodie!) Nab the largest Rosary you can find and wear it around your neck. Increase all bows one degree. Instead of a head bow, make a shoulder bow. Instead of a shoulder bow, make a waist bow. Instead of a waist bow, prostrate yourself in the aisle. Say or sing t...

Who says the English don't know how to party? (I)n the feaste of Christmas, there was in the kinges house, wheresoeuer hee was lodged, a Lord of Misrule, or Maister of merry disports, and the like had yee in the house of euery noble man, of honor, or good worshippe, were he spirituall or temporall. Amongst the which the Mayor of London, and eyther of the shiriffes had their seuerall Lordes of Misrule, euer contending without quarrell or offence, who should make the rarest pastimes to delight the Beholders. These Lordes beginning their rule on Alhollon Eue (Halloween), continued the same till the morrow after the Feast of the Purification, commonlie called Candlemas day: In all which space there were fine and subtle disguisinges, Maskes and Mummeries, with playing at Cardes for Counters, Nayles and pointes in euery house, more for pastimes then for gaine. The Feast of Fools in England was presided over by a Lord of Misrule, a commoner or sub-deacon, during Christmastide. A celebrati...

Pearls before... . 1. Philanderer. Bob: "Hey Phil, would you like to come to Mass this Sunday? You've been saying how much you'd like to meet new people you can trust." Phil: "No thanks, Bob. When I said 'trust', I meant people I could trust to never call me after a one-night stand." 2. Opportunist. Mary: "Daryl is so respectful of others and is so generous with his time." Tiffany: "Yawn. I want a man who gives me lots of expensive stuff and doesn't mind me seeing other guys." 3. Arrested development. John: "Hey Debbie, would you like to go for a walk this afternoon? I hear there are some musicians playing at the bandshell in the park." Debbie: "Naw. I'm gonna face paint my cat, take videos, and post them on TikTok." 4. Delusion. Pete: "I thought you said you are a practicing Catholic. Why do you do hard drugs?" Chris: "Hey man, don't judge me. I do drugs because drugs make me a bette...

A jolly unkempt Governor Walz about to get a warm hug from his previously clandestine supporters who want to congratulate him with extreme prejudice for his work in Minnesota. I’m a retired command sergeant major. Tim Walz That declaration was not true. Associated Press, Jonathan Mattise and Richard Lardner   A smarmy  Prime Minister Justin Trudeau about to get a pat on the back from his previously clandestine supporters who want to congratulate him with extreme prejudice for his work in Parliament. The budget will balance itself. Justin Trudeau, Toronto Sun interview, February 2015 Nancy Pelosi, looking wide-eyed and probably a little high, receives a visit from her erstwhile covert followers who wish to congratulate her with extreme prejudice for her work in Congress. We have to pass the bill for you to find out what’s in it. Nancy Pelosi A haggard-looking Joe Biden gets a visit from his previously clandestine supporters who want to warmly congratulate him with ext...

The continuing saga of ridiculous constructions in your modern forward-thinking parish. An altar that doubles as a ping pong table for youth nights. A drum set mounted on a rising platform for the Feast of the Ascension. A pulpit, altar and lectern that recess into the floor so that the priest and liturgical dancers (or break dancers) can move about unhindered during homilies and the Offertory procession. A ceiling sprinkler system that doubles as a fire suppression system and Holy Water distribution system. Pop-up bowling pins located at the altar steps so the centre aisle can be used as a bowling lane... for youth nights. Tablet holders with power outlets and cup holders in the pews. A communion buffet so that communicants can wander past and self serve. A digital altar frontal for changing thematic backgrounds. An air conditioner built into the pulpit... for cool(er) clergy. Retractable pews and flooring to accommodate several curling lanes when the Scotties Tournament of Hearts nee...

Vigil Auntie | AI Generated ATTBS Antsy: patron of altar servers... who cannot sit still for more than 15 seconds. See also: Blessed Fidget. Logorrhea: patron of parish council members who monopolize meetings. Nix: patron of happy participants in the cancel culture. Doofus: co-patron of misguided prelates. Mediocrity: patron of liturgists and contemporary architects. Crapacious: beloved patron of liberal academics. Pseudo-Veritas: patron of mainstream journalists. Blessed Perspicuity: patron whose intercession is rarely sought by those who are most in need of rational thought. Ignoramus: patron of political debates. Goofus: co-patron of misguided prelates. Karen: patron of an aggressive species of hyper-vigilant neighbourhood and mall-dwelling self appointed regulators of others' behaviours: see Vigil Auntie . The Venerable Tesla: patron of obsessive non-polluters who drive expensive cars that use lithium-ion cells that rely on raw materials — like cobalt, lithium and rare earth el...

Solemn High Mass with Deacon | Divine Worship The Mass of the Personal Ordinariate, Divine Worship, is a true home and family for those of us who have sought and found therein ultimate meaning and goodness. The liturgy - with its distinct voice and character - captures the imagination and, by the grace of God, entices the worshipper into an expanding communion with Jesus. The beautiful prayers of the Ordinariate Mass - many received from the Book of Common Prayer and the Sarum Liturgy, thus preserving the unique flavour of a profound spiritual legacy - are gifts meant to be shared. The General Thanksgiving Said at the conclusion of Holy Communion prior to the Post-Communion Collect. ALMIGHTY and everliving God, we most heartily thank Thee for that Thou dost feed us, in these holy mysteries, with the spiritual food of the most precious Body and Blood of Thy Son our Saviour Jesus Christ; and dost assure us thereby of Thy favour and goodness towards us; and that we are very members incorp...

Satire may be mad and anarchic, but it presupposes an admitted superiority in certain things over others; it presupposes a standard. -  G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy A poke at folk whose actions past and present could invite considerably more. (T)he real disloyalty is not speaking the truth with love. And that word “love” is not some free-floating balloon of goodwill. It’s an empty shell without the truth to fill it. In Brazil in 2013, the Holy Father encouraged young people to “make a mess.” That’s come to pass in ways surely unintended by the pope. But in the end, pastoral leaders are accountable for their words and their actions. Because, as St. Paul said so long ago, “God is not the author of confusion but of peace.” - Charles J. Chaput, O.F.M. Cap., is the Archbishop emeritus of Philadelphia Afflict the comfortable; comfort the afflicted. That 70s Vatican Show , a fashion extravaganza, featured designs promoting a rabid retro vibe. Organizer Fr. James Martin SJ, taking his cue fr...

AI generated image. Can there be such a thing as too much incense? Some blends might catch on. Yes? No? Maybe? The James Martin Blend ... produces a rainbow coloured cloud that induces a bacchanalian fervour in Mass-attendees. The JM Blend tends to exacerbate a misplaced sense of entitlement. The Bergoglio Blend ... is competition for The James Martin Blend, with additional negative ecumenical side-effects. The Müller Blend ... is a traditional blend known for an ability to inspire clear thinking and to expose heterodoxy. The Big Pulpit Blend ... reaches those thirsty for truth, goodness and beauty. The SSPX Blend ... is an engaging array of scents with an angry finish. The Anglicanorum Coetibus Ordinariate Blend ... is heaven on earth! The Biden Blend ... is known to induce confusion, chaos and scandal, even in small amounts. The Pelosi Blend ... is the blend of choice for Democrat funerals that tends to attract an unwanted rodent commonly associated with the bubonic plague. The Atha...

AI generated image. Prompt: Female minister dancing on altar with incense. The Sign of Peace becomes the Dance of Peace. The tabernacle is not anywhere to be seen. There's no business like show business like no business I know. Everything about it is appealing, everything the pastor will allow. Nowhere could you get that happy feeling when you are stealing that extra bow. Blessings of couples in irregular unions doesn't even come close to describing the oddities going on. The altar doubles as a billiard table that is used during meetings of the Knights of Columbus . Unsanctioned modifications to the Mass include they/them pronouns for God and the saints. The statues of Mary and Joseph have been replaced with Murray and Joseph. Traditional liturgical colors have been replaced with an alphabet soup of washed-out tints carefully selected by the Parish Equity, Diversity and Inclusivity Council. The favoured incense is Social Justice Blend... for "High" Mass. Votive and al...

EMDHC with Chalice The Thurible Toss. An annual fundraiser and competition to audition potential thurifers. An opportunity for parishes and/or altar servers to one-up each other. Chips & Dip. Communion hosts and salsa. Wrong! Just wrong! The Puppet Show. Click on the following link... if you dare.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rh_nqtp3VrU The Sung Homily. A (deleted) scene from "Mass - the Musical". The Waterproof Chapel Veil . A stylish plastic tarp for those drenching moments when the priest casts a torrent of rain during the Asperges . Liturgical Binoculars ... to enable parishioners to zoom in on the liturgical actions. Unfortunately, they were often used to admire fellow parishioners. The Liturgical Straw . Once-upon-a-time there actually was a straw used during Mass!  The fistula (variously called calamo, cannula, arundo, calamus, pipa, pugillaris, sipho or sumptorium) is a metal drinking straw used in the Roman Rite to receive the Blood of Christ in Holy C...