20 Additional Signs You Might Just Be In A(n) Heterodox Parish

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AI generated image. Prompt: Female minister dancing on altar with incense.

  1. The Sign of Peace becomes the Dance of Peace.
  2. The tabernacle is not anywhere to be seen.
  3. There's no business like show business like no business I know. Everything about it is appealing, everything the pastor will allow. Nowhere could you get that happy feeling when you are stealing that extra bow.
  4. Blessings of couples in irregular unions doesn't even come close to describing the oddities going on.
  5. The altar doubles as a billiard table that is used during meetings of the Knights of Columbus .
  6. Unsanctioned modifications to the Mass include they/them pronouns for God and the saints.
  7. The statues of Mary and Joseph have been replaced with Murray and Joseph.
  8. Traditional liturgical colors have been replaced with an alphabet soup of washed-out tints carefully selected by the Parish Equity, Diversity and Inclusivity Council.
  9. The favoured incense is Social Justice Blend... for "High" Mass.
  10. Votive and altar candles have been replaced with sparklers.
  11. Non-biblical texts - e.g., from the Koran, the writings of Kahlil Gibran, New York Times Op-Eds, excerpts from Matthew Fox's books, select speeches of George Soros - are regularly substituted for Scripture.
  12. Funerals are "celebrations of life" and, despite clear evidence of obstinate sin, eulogies are attempted canonizations of the deceased.
  13. Coffee is offered during the homily for those who didn't make it to Starbucks before Mass.
  14. Parishioners are encouraged to extend their hands toward the altar during the consecration to realize Bugnini's dream of active participation.
  15. The word 'amen' is a threat to feminist parishioners because it includes 'men' in it. Welcome to the 1980s all over again!
  16. Homilies start with an apology for injustices perpetrated against the victim-group du jour.
  17. The altar breads are exclusively non-gluten. Wrong!!!
  18. The marquee outside the church routinely displays emptied-headed messages like "Love is love".
  19. The pastor accepts texted confessions using apps called 'Con-Text' and 'Text-Appeal'.
  20. Jesus is barely mentioned by Name. A missing tabernacle and an avoidance of the Name of Jesus tend to go hand in hand.

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