20 Additional Signs You Might Just Be In A(n) Heterodox Parish
AI generated image. Prompt: Female minister dancing on altar with incense. |
- The Sign of Peace becomes the Dance of Peace.
- The tabernacle is not anywhere to be seen.
- There's no business like show business like no business I know. Everything about it is appealing, everything the pastor will allow. Nowhere could you get that happy feeling when you are stealing that extra bow.
- Blessings of couples in irregular unions doesn't even come close to describing the oddities going on.
- The altar doubles as a billiard table that is used during meetings of the Knights of Columbus .
- Unsanctioned modifications to the Mass include they/them pronouns for God and the saints.
- The statues of Mary and Joseph have been replaced with Murray and Joseph.
- Traditional liturgical colors have been replaced with an alphabet soup of washed-out tints carefully selected by the Parish Equity, Diversity and Inclusivity Council.
- The favoured incense is Social Justice Blend... for "High" Mass.
- Votive and altar candles have been replaced with sparklers.
- Non-biblical texts - e.g., from the Koran, the writings of Kahlil Gibran, New York Times Op-Eds, excerpts from Matthew Fox's books, select speeches of George Soros - are regularly substituted for Scripture.
- Funerals are "celebrations of life" and, despite clear evidence of obstinate sin, eulogies are attempted canonizations of the deceased.
- Coffee is offered during the homily for those who didn't make it to Starbucks before Mass.
- Parishioners are encouraged to extend their hands toward the altar during the consecration to realize Bugnini's dream of active participation.
- The word 'amen' is a threat to feminist parishioners because it includes 'men' in it. Welcome to the 1980s all over again!
- Homilies start with an apology for injustices perpetrated against the victim-group du jour.
- The altar breads are exclusively non-gluten. Wrong!!!
- The marquee outside the church routinely displays emptied-headed messages like "Love is love".
- The pastor accepts texted confessions using apps called 'Con-Text' and 'Text-Appeal'.
- Jesus is barely mentioned by Name. A missing tabernacle and an avoidance of the Name of Jesus tend to go hand in hand.
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