Church Renovations That Ain't Quite Right


The continuing saga of ridiculous constructions in your modern forward-thinking parish.
  1. An altar that doubles as a ping pong table for youth nights.
  2. A drum set mounted on a rising platform for the Feast of the Ascension.
  3. A pulpit, altar and lectern that recess into the floor so that the priest and liturgical dancers (or break dancers) can move about unhindered during homilies and the Offertory procession.
  4. A ceiling sprinkler system that doubles as a fire suppression system and Holy Water distribution system.
  5. Pop-up bowling pins located at the altar steps so the centre aisle can be used as a bowling lane... for youth nights.
  6. Tablet holders with power outlets and cup holders in the pews.
  7. A communion buffet so that communicants can wander past and self serve.
  8. A digital altar frontal for changing thematic backgrounds.
  9. An air conditioner built into the pulpit... for cool(er) clergy.
  10. Retractable pews and flooring to accommodate several curling lanes when the Scotties Tournament of Hearts needs additional space... or for youth activity nights. (A must for prairie folk!)
  11. Indoor rifle range for recreational use after those Texan KofC meetings.
  12. Mosaics by Rupnik.
  13. LEGO® tabernacle.
  14. A plexiglass cathedra so the bishop looks like he's hovering when seated... sort of.
  15. AstroTurf putting green sanctuary... for retirees' nights.
  16. A disco ball suspended above the altar for that shimmering effect that suggests heavenly entities circling about.
  17. Strobing track lighting lining the aisles to direct communicants forward in an orderly manner.
  18. Heated pews for those chilly winter months.
  19. Pews inscribed with text from the fourth chapter of the Song of Solomon.
  20. Rotating central sanctuary in a circular nave... for that 360° view of activities at the altar... ostensibly to facilitate "active participation".

Comments

Popular Posts

Life At The Altar Rail: 22 Behaviours Categorized

You Know You're In A Progressive Catholic Parish When... .

Review: Saint Gregory's Prayer Book

You know you're a REAL altar server when... .

TRUE PARTICIPATION IN THE MASS

"I was gathered into the offering of the Son to the Father. I participated in the self-offering of God today."

FEATURED SCRIPTURE | Revelation 8:1-5

When the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. Then I saw the seven angels who stand before God, and seven trumpets were given to them. And another angel came and stood at the altar with a golden censer; and he was given much incense to mingle with the prayers of all the saints upon the golden altar before the throne; and the smoke of the incense rose with the prayers of the saints from the hand of the angel before God. Then the angel took the censer and filled it with fire from the altar and threw it on the earth; and there were peals of thunder, loud noises, flashes of lightning, and an earthquake.

FEATURED QUOTE

Without a moral framework, there is nothing left but immediate self-indulgence by some and the path of least resistance by others. Neither can sustain a free society. | Thomas Sowell