WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

I doubt not then but innocence shall make false accusation blush, and tyranny tremble at patience.

Church Renovations That Ain't Quite Right

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The continuing saga of ridiculous constructions in your modern forward-thinking parish.
  1. An altar that doubles as a ping pong table for youth nights.
  2. A drum set mounted on a rising platform for the Feast of the Ascension.
  3. A pulpit, altar and lectern that recess into the floor so that the priest and liturgical dancers (or break dancers) can move about unhindered during homilies and the Offertory procession.
  4. A ceiling sprinkler system that doubles as a fire suppression system and Holy Water distribution system.
  5. Pop-up bowling pins located at the altar steps so the centre aisle can be used as a bowling lane... for youth nights.
  6. Tablet holders with power outlets and cup holders in the pews.
  7. A communion buffet so that communicants can wander past and self serve.
  8. A digital altar frontal for changing thematic backgrounds.
  9. An air conditioner built into the pulpit... for cool(er) clergy.
  10. Retractable pews and flooring to accommodate several curling lanes when the Scotties Tournament of Hearts needs additional space... or for youth activity nights. (A must for prairie folk!)
  11. Indoor rifle range for recreational use after those Texan KofC meetings.
  12. Mosaics by Rupnik.
  13. LEGO® tabernacle.
  14. A plexiglass cathedra so the bishop looks like he's hovering when seated... sort of.
  15. AstroTurf putting green sanctuary... for retirees' nights.
  16. A disco ball suspended above the altar for that shimmering effect that suggests heavenly entities circling about.
  17. Strobing track lighting lining the aisles to direct communicants forward in an orderly manner.
  18. Heated pews for those chilly winter months.
  19. Pews inscribed with text from the fourth chapter of the Song of Solomon.
  20. Rotating central sanctuary in a circular nave... for that 360° view of activities at the altar... ostensibly to facilitate "active participation".

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