25 New Incense Blends For Catholic Parishes

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AI generated image. Can there be such a thing as too much incense?

Some blends might catch on. Yes? No? Maybe?

  1. The James Martin Blend... produces a rainbow coloured cloud that induces a bacchanalian fervour in Mass-attendees. The JM Blend tends to exacerbate a misplaced sense of entitlement.
  2. The Bergoglio Blend... is competition for The James Martin Blend, with additional negative ecumenical side-effects.
  3. The Müller Blend... is a traditional blend known for an ability to inspire clear thinking and to expose heterodoxy.
  4. The Big Pulpit Blend... reaches those thirsty for truth, goodness and beauty.
  5. The SSPX Blend... is an engaging array of scents with an angry finish.
  6. The Anglicanorum Coetibus Ordinariate Blend... is heaven on earth!
  7. The Biden Blend... is known to induce confusion, chaos and scandal, even in small amounts.
  8. The Pelosi Blend... is the blend of choice for Democrat funerals that tends to attract an unwanted rodent commonly associated with the bubonic plague.
  9. The Athanasia Schneider Blend... is a spicey mix of plainspokenness, passion for truth and disdain for cheap religion.
  10. The Bugnini Blend... is used to sanitize liturgies and leaves churches with a lingering latrine-like odor.
  11. The Zuhlsdorf Blend... induces a hankering for the finer things in life.
  12. The Covid Vaccine Blend... is a dubious mix that often causes severe negative side-effects, but people keep using it anyway.
  13. The National Catholic Reporter Blend... is a toxic concoction that induces stupidity and reinforces ignorance among its users.
  14. The Pope Benedict XVI Blend... attracts many vocations to the priesthood and religious life.
  15. The Saint Teresa of Calcutta Blend... just a pinch makes the world a whole lot better place.
  16. The FSSP Blend... is like the SSPX Blend, only without the angry finish. Known for its ability to foster reverence and love for the Holy Eucharist in parishioners.
  17. The Synodal Way (Der Synodale Weg) Blend. Discontinued due to its harmful spiritual side-effects.
  18. The Bland Blend... is an inoffensive hypoallergenic non-GMO concoction suitable for most diocesan parish liturgies.
  19. The Cupich Blend... is whatever you want it to be.
  20. The Greta Thunberg Blend... is a curious mixture of lemon rinds, eggplant, oatmeal and woke piety. Suitable for large gatherings of nature worshippers, self loathers, depopulation enthusiasts and other bitter socialists.
  21. The Justin Trudeau Blend... contains generous amounts of hypocrisy, woe-is-me manipulation and indifference. It's the perfect blend for the parishes replete with free speech hating narcissists who delight in the misery of others while pretending to care about the materially impoverished. Thus, The JT Blend is a favourite with liberal religionists and despotic Liberal Party politicians.
  22. The Cardinal Fernández Blend... helps to create a chilling atmosphere wherein can be hidden unusual thoughts about kissing and blessings as well as indifference to abuse survivors.
  23. The Candy Man Blend... releases a massively sweet aroma "that makes the world taste good" and the liturgy seem irrelevant. See: The James Martin Blend.
  24. The Onion Blend... produces a pungent fog that brings tears to your eyes so that you can appear to look extra sorrowful for your sins.
  25. The Pope Saint John Paul II Blend. A stellar concoction known for its ability to foster authentic piety, authentic morality and holiness in believers. Proponents of Liberation Theology tend to flee when it is employed.

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