20 Oddities Discontinued In The Converting Catholic Parish

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EMDHC with Chalice

  1. The Thurible Toss. An annual fundraiser and competition to audition potential thurifers. An opportunity for parishes and/or altar servers to one-up each other.
  2. Chips & Dip. Communion hosts and salsa. Wrong! Just wrong!
  3. The Puppet Show. Click on the following link... if you dare. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rh_nqtp3VrU
  4. The Sung Homily. A (deleted) scene from "Mass - the Musical".
  5. The Waterproof Chapel Veil. A stylish plastic tarp for those drenching moments when the priest casts a torrent of rain during the Asperges.
  6. Liturgical Binoculars... to enable parishioners to zoom in on the liturgical actions. Unfortunately, they were often used to admire fellow parishioners.
  7. The Liturgical Straw. Once-upon-a-time there actually was a straw used during Mass! The fistula (variously called calamo, cannula, arundo, calamus, pipa, pugillaris, sipho or sumptorium) is a metal drinking straw used in the Roman Rite to receive the Blood of Christ in Holy Communion (WP). https://www.liturgicalartsjournal.com/2020/04/eucharistic-utensils.html
  8. The Chorus Line. A zipline from the choir loft to the altar rail for chorister communicants. Return by way of the stairs.
  9. EMDHC (Extraordinary Mechanical Device of Holy Communion). Holy Communion by delivery drone. NO!
  10. Virtual Reality Communion Goggles (VRCGs)... for that up-close and quasi-interactive experience... given that the germaphobic communicant makes an act of spiritual communion instead of actually receiving the Precious Body and Blood of Christ.
  11. Microfibre altar linens and vestments. In three designs: tartan (using a pattern designed by the least artistic member of a parish council); corderoy; and camouflage.
  12. "Homegrown" Incense. Likely to have been employed in places such as Jamaica, Colorado, and the Diocese of Victoria, BC.
  13. The Elysium Fog Machine. Unfortunately, still popular during Masses at certain liturgical education conferences.
  14. The Hydraulic Lift Altar Platform. A raisable (risible?) predella so that everyone without binoculars or VRCGs can view the Canon of the Mass without straining their necks.
  15. The Water Slide Baptismal Font. Discontinued due to injuries.
  16. The Liturgical Support Animal. Discontinued due to awkward cleanup issues.
  17. The Massage Kneeler. People were kneeling for the wrong reason.
  18. The Lava Lamp Sanctuary Light. The wrong kind of relic for a church.
  19. Rupnik Mosaics. Enough said.
  20. The blessings of "couples in irregular situations and same-sex couples." We can only hope and pray that a future pope will reassert the orthodox teaching of the 2021 Responsum of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith to a dubium regarding the blessing of the unions of persons of the same sex (i.e., 'no!' to such things), and consign the heretical assertion contained in Fiducia Supplicans to lasting oblivion. Note to a future conclave: do not elect another South American Jesuit to the Throne of Peter.

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