20 Oddities Discontinued In The Converting Catholic Parish
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| EMDHC with Chalice |
- The Thurible Toss. An annual fundraiser and competition to audition potential thurifers. An opportunity for parishes and/or altar servers to one-up each other.
- Chips & Dip. Communion hosts and salsa. Wrong! Just wrong!
- The Puppet Show. Click on the following link... if you dare. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rh_nqtp3VrU
- The Sung Homily. A (deleted) scene from "Mass - the Musical".
- The Waterproof Chapel Veil. A stylish plastic tarp for those drenching moments when the priest casts a torrent of rain during the Asperges.
- Liturgical Binoculars... to enable parishioners to zoom in on the liturgical actions. Unfortunately, they were often used to admire fellow parishioners.
- The Liturgical Straw. Once-upon-a-time there actually was a straw used during Mass! The fistula (variously called calamo, cannula, arundo, calamus, pipa, pugillaris, sipho or sumptorium) is a metal drinking straw used in the Roman Rite to receive the Blood of Christ in Holy Communion (WP). https://www.liturgicalartsjournal.com/2020/04/eucharistic-utensils.html
- The Chorus Line. A zipline from the choir loft to the altar rail for chorister communicants. Return by way of the stairs.
- EMDHC (Extraordinary Mechanical Device of Holy Communion). Holy Communion by delivery drone. NO!
- Virtual Reality Communion Goggles (VRCGs)... for that up-close and quasi-interactive experience... given that the germaphobic communicant makes an act of spiritual communion instead of actually receiving the Precious Body and Blood of Christ.
- Microfibre altar linens and vestments. In three designs: tartan (using a pattern designed by the least artistic member of a parish council); corderoy; and camouflage.
- "Homegrown" Incense. Likely to have been employed in places such as Jamaica, Colorado, and the Diocese of Victoria, BC.
- The Elysium Fog Machine. Unfortunately, still popular during Masses at certain liturgical education conferences.
- The Hydraulic Lift Altar Platform. A raisable (risible?) predella so that everyone without binoculars or VRCGs can view the Canon of the Mass without straining their necks.
- The Water Slide Baptismal Font. Discontinued due to injuries.
- The Liturgical Support Animal. Discontinued due to awkward cleanup issues.
- The Massage Kneeler. People were kneeling for the wrong reason.
- The Lava Lamp Sanctuary Light. The wrong kind of relic for a church.
- Rupnik Mosaics. Enough said.
- The blessings of "couples in irregular situations and same-sex couples." We can only hope and pray that a future pope will reassert the orthodox teaching of the 2021 Responsum of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith to a dubium regarding the blessing of the unions of persons of the same sex (i.e., 'no!' to such things), and consign the heretical assertion contained in Fiducia Supplicans to lasting oblivion. Note to a future conclave: do not elect another South American Jesuit to the Throne of Peter.
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ST AUGUSTINE
The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself.
From EVENSONG 22 JAN Psalm 109 Deus, laudem
HOLD not thy tongue, O God of my praise : for the mouth of the ungodly, yea, the mouth of the deceitful is opened upon me. And they have spoken against me with false tongues : they compassed me about also with words of hatred, and fought against me without a cause. For the love that I had unto them, lo, they take now my contrary part : but I give myself unto prayer. Thus have they rewarded me evil for good : and hatred for my good will. Though they curse, yet bless thou : and let them be confounded that rise up against me; but let thy servant rejoice. Let mine adversaries be clothed with shame : and let them cover themselves with their own confusion, as with a cloke.
As for me, I will give great thanks unto the Lord with my mouth *
and praise him among the multitude.
For he shall stand at the right hand of the poor *
to save his soul from the unrighteous judges.
MARCUS AURELIUS
There is but one thing of real value - to cultivate truth and justice, and to live without anger in the midst of lying and unjust men.
MARK TWAIN
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
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