New Sacramentals (And Other Bling) For The Tech Savvy Catholic

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The modern parishioner, eager to be the active participator in modern liturgies, has access to the latest supportive modern technology to support the modern liturgical activist to actively participate in the modern liturgy.

  1. Proboscis piercing. Never again lose your Miraculous medal or Saint Anthony medal. Suspend an object of choice from your schnozz.
  2. Prayed braid. Rosary hair extensions. Turn your hair braids into a rosary. Trendsetter!
  3. Holy water camel pack. Don't be without your personal reservoir of spiritual protection. When Mormons or JWs visit, simply turn the spigot to adjust the flow of water as you shake their hands.
  4. Shoe Song. As you walk, a melody is played from technology embedded in your shoes. The tune changes to match the pace of your step. Comes with "Just a Closer Walk with Thee" and "Tis so sweet to walk with Jesus". Use the app to download additional tunes. Shoe Song De-Lux: light your way with this awesome LED upgrade. Liturgical colors: red, gold, white, green, violet, and Marian blue.
  5. QLED quantum dot display capacitive touch chapel veil. Change the colour of the veil with a simple touch of the corner. The veil converts body heat into electricity to power the veil. Colors range from white to ivory to light copper to black. Hold the corner of the veil for two seconds and the veil will continuously shift through all colours.
  6. Self adjusting non-slip scapular. Made from the finest non-itchy material, the latest in wearable art. Tap the fabric square and the device automatically adjusts to the desired length. Tap twice to loosen the cord. Tension sensor mitigates any danger of accidental strangulation.
  7. Incense drone. Deliver the smoke wherever and whenever the need arises. Drones can be linked for multiple aerial configurations for incense-sational liturgies. 20 minutes continuous hover.
  8. Telescoping virge. The wand of choice for the modern verger. Easy storage. Doubles as an auxiliary antenna for a personal communication device, e.g., CB radio. The hydraulic virge is silently extended by pushing a button on the base of the virge. Refillable gas cylinder. To retract, double-click the button. Upgrade to the voice activated and LED-tipped model.\
  9. Face filter incense scrubber. For those who cannot tolerate the sweet savour of incense, the latest in assisted breathing wear allows the wearer to respirate freely. It also helps wearers tolerate bad breath or pungent body odour. This product is designed to fit any face shape and is also easy to clean.
  10. Altar rail communion chin rest. To ensure uniform distribution of communicants to preserve personal space, and to minimize desecration, the latest in communion fixtures evenly spaced along an altar rail onto which adult communicants can rest their chins. Adjustable to a child's height.

Comments

  1. Anonymous15 July 2025 at 17:58

    I don't think it's appropriate for that photo to appear with your blog post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous15 July 2025 at 23:04

      You may very well be correct. Would you care to elaborate? (Bear in mind, the post is - in part - meant to challenge misguided understandings and misuse of sacramentals.

      Delete

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