A Porcupine, Committees, And Ditsy Sermons

Let’s be honest, dragging a cheese grater over one's thigh sounds almost appealing compared to enduring those mind-numbing situations foisted upon us by people eagerly awaiting their next chance to be offended.

1. I wish I could be abducted by space aliens before tomorrow's staff meeting.
2. I’d prefer a chaotic audit by rabid raccoons over sitting through yet another speech that starts with, “As we reimagine the paradigm moving forward…”.
3. I'd rather navigate rush-hour traffic using only a treasure map than sit through another committee meeting about creating a committee.
4. I'd rather read the terms and conditions for every app on my phone than hear another sermon that mistakes partisan talking points for divine revelation.
5. I'd rather be stranded at sea with a karaoke machine stuck on The Chipmunk Song than endure another lecture where every disagreement is treated as a full-blown crisis.
6. I'd rather watch Joanie Loves Chachi episodes while folding fitted sheets than attend one more meeting where nothing is decided except the date of the next meeting.
7. I'd rather spend six hours trapped in an airport listening to delayed-flight announcements than hear another sermon that sounds suspiciously like a campaign platform with footnotes.
8. I'd rather referee a debate between conspiracy theorists and astrologers than sit through another lecture on why every social problem can be solved by creating a new committee.
9. I'd rather watch Joanie Loves Chachi reruns translated into Esperanto than hear one more homily that contains more political slogans than Scripture.
10. I'd sooner take dietary advice from a golden retriever than attend another meeting devoted to revising the wording of a statement about revising a previous statement.
11. I'd rather be stranded on a desert island with nothing but a kazoo and a tax manual than listen to another speaker explain that disagreement is a form of violence.
12. I’d rather sort Lego bricks by color in a pitch-black room than sit through another presentation that starts with land acknowledgements and wraps up with calls for wealth redistribution.
13. Given the choice between dragging a cheese grater over my thigh and hearing Father James Martin SJ expound upon human sexuality, I should judge the former the less onerous burden.
14. I'd rather sort screws by thread count than attend another workshop on deconstructing things nobody has constructed.
15. I'd rather watch a 14-hour documentary on the history of lint than hear another sermon that somehow discovers Karl Marx lurking behind every verse of the Gospel.
16. I've found that the surest sign a conclusion is settled is when an entire meeting is devoted to proving it wasn't.
17. I'd rather spend an afternoon on hold with customer service than attend another workshop on deconstructing things nobody has constructed.
18. I'd rather leap into a rock quarry than spend an hour listening to someone explain why the highest form of generosity is mandatory and paid for by others.
19. I'd rather read all 2,200 pages of a government procurement manual than listen to another sermon whose main point is that the Kingdom of God looks remarkably like a faculty lounge.
20. I've attended funerals with a livelier exchange of ideas than most DEI hiring meetings.
21. I'd sooner share a sleeping bag with an angry porcupine than hear another church official announce that Christianity needs less theology and more sociology.