Life At The Altar Rail: 22 Behaviours Categorized

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Cantius/NLM

[ 4 min read ]

Some communicants make things interesting (...tricky, delicate, awkward, awesome...) at The Communion.

Now don't get the wrong idea. Spoofing one's brothers' and sisters' behaviour is not meant to be proof of one's own moral or spiritual superiority. There's always a need to keep in mind the heart of another when lampooning (or celebrating) the externals, as curious or as laudable as those externals might be.

  1. The Moving Target: either the head or the tongue is moving a mile a minute. A good patener knows how to tame the fidget. See also #18: The Rubberneck.
  2. The Obstacle Course: fingertips touching the chin or mouth making it difficult for the patener to place the paten beneath the chin.
  3. The Curtain: face is completely covered with a veil.
  4. The NOFB (Not Open For Business): closed eyes, closed mouth; despite the need for a gentle prompt, typically a deeply reverent person.
  5. The Taker: wants to steal the Host from the priest. Note to communicants: Catholics receive Holy Communion; Protestants take.
  6. The Doddler: like the name suggests - someone who comes forward, hesitates, doesn't make eye contact, then zigzags forward.
  7. The Hatchling: head is tilted very far back and mouth is wide open (see image below).
  8. The Bison: moustache and beard that dips into the chalice. Please trim back the bramble!
  9. The Basking Shark: a mouth large enough to (easily) swallow a basketball.
  10. The Juggler: handles the consecrated Host (the Precious Body!) like a poker chip. Noooo!!!
  11. The Gator (aka The Snapping Turtle): you guessed it. Practically bites off the priest's finger.
  12. The Dine and Dasher: having received the Host, departs before the minister has completed the verse - The Body of our Lord Jesus Christ which was given for thee... &c.
  13. The Mail Slot: opens mouth a fraction (no pun intended) of an inch.
  14. The Panhandler: holds out one hand. Frown!
  15. The 'Alice With Malice Absconds With The Chalice': cut from the same cloth as The Taker. Grabs the Chalice with both hands. The actions of The AWMAWTC must be anticipated and intercepted with extreme prejudice.
  16. The Chameleon: has a tongue that retracts with lightning speed sometimes causing the Host to occasionally somersault. Pateners' worst nightmare.
  17. The Joker (of Gotham fame): wears scads of amounts of lipstick (or lip balm or peanut butter and jam or chocolate) that transfers to the chalice. Eww!
  18. The Rubberneck: like the word suggests - someone who can't focus forward.
  19. The Chatterbox: insists on providing a running commentary as the priest approaches with the Host. For what reason is anyone's guess. Tries to say 'amen' as the Host is placed on the tongue. Pateners' second worst nightmare.
  20. The Dazed and Confused: probably not a Catholic, or is a Catholic who has never received communion on the tongue (see also: The Deer In The Headlights).
  21. The Deer In The Headlights: (see The Dazed and Confused).
  22. The Saint: kneels with grace; makes the Sign of the Cross in a reverent manner; tilts the head back and opens mouth and extends tongue in a timely manner (eyes might be and usually are closed); allows the sacred minister (or Instituted Acolyte) to place the Host on the tongue; then after a brief moment slowly withdraws the tongue, closes the mouth, and waits a moment - obviously mindful of having just received God in Holy Communion - before rising to return to the pew to pray in adoration and thanksgiving for the sublime blessing of receiving God's very life (and perhaps will pray a prayer of reparation for blasphemies and insults committed against the Holy Eucharist).

The preceding list is merely an attempt at a little levity to help create an awareness of what goes on parallel to the most sublime encounter human beings can know in this life, an encounter with the Lord of the Universe Who makes Himself present to each communicant, Who makes Himself entirely vulnerable so that we might receive Him - Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity - and enjoy a most profound intimacy that hearkens to the intimacy we hope to enjoy with God for all eternity.

That we, mere creatures, are invited into communion with our Creator as beloved sons and daughters of the Same is mindblowing, and should be the occasion for pause and serious reflection so that the next time we present ourselves to the Eucharistic Lord, we might be a little more humble and therefore open to being transformed by His gift of transforming and lifegiving and lifesaving grace.

More Mirth

    Comments

    1. Anonymous4 September 2023 at 11:06

      And yet, while we are meant to receive the Sacred Host and the Precious Blood (according to the Lord's comamand, "Take this, ALL of you and drink from it..."

      Our Lord did use the word, "Take."

      I am not implying we.should grab the Lord's Body, but some hear the English word "Take" and forget this can also mean, "Receive."

      ReplyDelete
      Replies
      1. Anonymous4 September 2023 at 11:08

        Call me "Poterion"

        Delete
      2. Anonymous5 September 2023 at 00:22

        Thank you for your comment. Agreed, the Lord said 'take' (Gr. Λάβετε Labete). Our disposition as communicants is to receive in humility what the Lord asks us to take. Cheers!

        Delete
      3. Gilfy16 December 2023 at 12:15

        Indeed. It is exactly the same word "labete" in John 20:22 which is translated "RECEIVE the Holy Spirit".

        Delete

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