Life At The Altar Rail: 22 Behaviours Categorized
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| Cantius/NLM |
[ 4 min read ]
Some communicants make things interesting (...tricky, delicate, awkward, awesome...) at The Communion.
Now don't get the wrong idea. Spoofing one's brothers' and sisters' behaviour is not meant to be proof of one's own moral or spiritual superiority. There's always a need to keep in mind the heart of another when lampooning (or celebrating) the externals, as curious or as laudable as those externals might be.
- The Moving Target: either the head or the tongue is moving a mile a minute. A good patener knows how to tame the fidget. See also #18: The Rubberneck.
- The Obstacle Course: fingertips touching the chin or mouth making it difficult for the patener to place the paten beneath the chin.
- The Curtain: face is completely covered with a veil.
- The NOFB (Not Open For Business): closed eyes, closed mouth; despite the need for a gentle prompt, typically a deeply reverent person.
- The Taker: wants to steal the Host from the priest. Note to communicants: Catholics receive Holy Communion; Protestants take.
- The Doddler: like the name suggests - someone who comes forward, hesitates, doesn't make eye contact, then zigzags forward.
- The Hatchling: head is tilted very far back and mouth is wide open (see image below).
- The Bison: moustache and beard that dips into the chalice. Please trim back the bramble!
- The Basking Shark: a mouth large enough to (easily) swallow a basketball.
- The Juggler: handles the consecrated Host (the Precious Body!) like a poker chip. Noooo!!!
- The Gator (aka The Snapping Turtle): you guessed it. Practically bites off the priest's finger.
- The Dine and Dasher: having received the Host, departs before the minister has completed the verse - The Body of our Lord Jesus Christ which was given for thee... &c.
- The Mail Slot: opens mouth a fraction (no pun intended) of an inch.
- The Panhandler: holds out one hand. Frown!
- The 'Alice With Malice Absconds With The Chalice': cut from the same cloth as The Taker. Grabs the Chalice with both hands. The actions of The AWMAWTC must be anticipated and intercepted with extreme prejudice.
- The Chameleon: has a tongue that retracts with lightning speed sometimes causing the Host to occasionally somersault. Pateners' worst nightmare.
- The Joker (of Gotham fame): wears scads of amounts of lipstick (or lip balm or peanut butter and jam or chocolate) that transfers to the chalice. Eww!
- The Rubberneck: like the word suggests - someone who can't focus forward.
- The Chatterbox: insists on providing a running commentary as the priest approaches with the Host. For what reason is anyone's guess. Tries to say 'amen' as the Host is placed on the tongue. Pateners' second worst nightmare.
- The Dazed and Confused: probably not a Catholic, or is a Catholic who has never received communion on the tongue (see also: The Deer In The Headlights).
- The Deer In The Headlights: (see The Dazed and Confused).
- The Saint: kneels with grace; makes the Sign of the Cross in a reverent manner; tilts the head back and opens mouth and extends tongue in a timely manner (eyes might be and usually are closed); allows the sacred minister (or Instituted Acolyte) to place the Host on the tongue; then after a brief moment slowly withdraws the tongue, closes the mouth, and waits a moment - obviously mindful of having just received God in Holy Communion - before rising to return to the pew to pray in adoration and thanksgiving for the sublime blessing of receiving God's very life (and perhaps will pray a prayer of reparation for blasphemies and insults committed against the Holy Eucharist).
The preceding list is merely an attempt at a little levity to help create an awareness of what goes on parallel to the most sublime encounter human beings can know in this life, an encounter with the Lord of the Universe Who makes Himself present to each communicant, Who makes Himself entirely vulnerable so that we might receive Him - Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity - and enjoy a most profound intimacy that hearkens to the intimacy we hope to enjoy with God for all eternity.
That we, mere creatures, are invited into communion with our Creator as beloved sons and daughters of the Same is mindblowing, and should be the occasion for pause and serious reflection so that the next time we present ourselves to the Eucharistic Lord, we might be a little more humble and therefore open to being transformed by His gift of transforming and lifegiving and lifesaving grace.
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PSALM 37
Keep innocency, and take heed unto the thing that is right : for that shall bring a man peace at the last.
POPE LEO XIV
The right to freedom of expression, freedom of conscience, religious freedom, and even the right to life are being restricted in the name of other so-called new rights, with the result that the very framework of human rights is losing its vitality and creating space for force and oppression. This occurs when each right becomes self-referential, and especially when it becomes disconnected from reality, nature, and truth.
ST AUGUSTINE
The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself.
SAINT PHILIP NERI
The greatness of our love of God must be tested by the desire we have of suffering for His love.
ANTONIN SCALIA
Knowledge is one thing, virtue is another; good sense is not conscience, refinement is not humility. Liberal Education makes the gentleman. It is well to be a gentleman, it is well to have a cultivated intellect, a delicate taste, a candid, equitable, dispassionate mind, a noble and courteous bearing in the conduct of life. These are the natural qualities of a large knowledge, they are the objects of a university. But they are no guarantee for sanctity of even for conscientiousness; they may attach to the man of the world, to the profligate, to the heartless.
MARCUS AURELIUS
There is but one thing of real value - to cultivate truth and justice, and to live without anger in the midst of lying and unjust men.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom.
MARK TWAIN
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
ARTHUR SCHOPENHAUER
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
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And yet, while we are meant to receive the Sacred Host and the Precious Blood (according to the Lord's comamand, "Take this, ALL of you and drink from it..."
ReplyDeleteOur Lord did use the word, "Take."
I am not implying we.should grab the Lord's Body, but some hear the English word "Take" and forget this can also mean, "Receive."
Call me "Poterion"
DeleteThank you for your comment. Agreed, the Lord said 'take' (Gr. Λάβετε Labete). Our disposition as communicants is to receive in humility what the Lord asks us to take. Cheers!
DeleteIndeed. It is exactly the same word "labete" in John 20:22 which is translated "RECEIVE the Holy Spirit".
Delete