WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

I doubt not then but innocence shall make false accusation blush, and tyranny tremble at patience.

At Mass With Father Whatshisname

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There have likely been times when one has liked or loathed the behaviour of pastors. These days, it seems, there is a widening gap between priests one could described as by-the-book and reverent, and those who, for whatever reason, enjoy acting in a manner that is practically comedic and strange. Strange, as in: 1) habitually oriented to serving someone and something other than Jesus Christ and His Sacred Liturgy; and 2) liturgically inappropriate.

The following list might contain content that is familiar to you, dear Reader. Depending on your own experience(s), you might wince or wink.
  1. Father Morpheus... whose monotone voice could put even a college student jacked up on energy drinks into a coma for a week.
  2. Father Bakkenforth... who often brings his dog to Mass and wanders about the nave during the sermon so he can play fetch with his dog... for reasons known only to dog lovers.
  3. Father Juan A.B. Celebrity... sees himself as the centre of the universe, the Mass, the parish, the city, politics, social issues, what-have-you. Father Pfleger?
  4. Father Chrysostom... like his namesake, a great preacher. Few actually know how to pronounce his name.
  5. Father Drama... or is that Trauma?... excels in making mountains out of mole hills. Everything is a conspiracy of epic proportions or a sign of some apocalypse or another.
  6. Father Fleecer... whose subtle requests for financial support are frequent and not so subtle.
  7. Father Imoff Erlee... says Sunday Mass in under 40 minutes so he can zip away to watch the start of the football game on his new 85 inch 8K Ultra High Definition HDR Neo QLED Smart TV.
  8. Father Goodman... like the name suggests, selflessly serves his flock, is attentive and generous with his support to those in most need of God's mercy.
  9. Father Howie Handel... insists that he use hand sanitizer after hearing confessions, after reading the Gospel, after consecrating both the Host and the Precious Blood, and after communicating every communicant. Practically runs toward the sink to wash his hands after Mass. Wears rubber gloves to greet parishioners.
  10. Father Hal Lowed... is so holy his parishioners flock (no pun intended) to record him during Mass with their phones... which then become second class relics.
  11. Father Abner Mality... (annoying) mannerisms galore.
  12. Father Maik Amess... is a former student of a certain Argentinian prelate who creates chaos wherever he is incardinated.
  13. Father Mercer Fuller... is so popular that you'd be happy to stand in line for hours to have him hear your confession... except, that is, on Black Friday, Cyber Monday and Boxing Day, when you have other more pressing plans.
  14. Father Mo Tormouth... was an auctioneer and hog caller in a former life.
  15. Father Guy Mumb-Bells... is either a great homilist or an abysmal preacher. No one knows for sure because, even with amplification, his voice cannot be heard above the chorus of toddlers.
  16. Father Plejjah-Rizer... is an avid Wikipedia borrower and AI user.
  17. Father Norm Alsee... is just a straight ahead guy who preaches the Gospel in and out of season and says Mass in a saintly manner.
  18. Pastor Bud Stoner... is so chill that you suspect he's an avid consumer of edible cannabis. Parish the thought.
  19. Father Harry Tyck... a preacher whose lips should be sown together so he can no longer spread false teaching and threaten the salvation of souls in his care.
  20. Father Freddy Supplicaniverystickyextrawackynotions... like the name suggests, is a controversial figure known for offering offbeat blessings (e.g., of two-tone Rockabilly shoes, vinyl records, combs, turtlenecks, etc.), and who is also known for his excessive attention to his Pompadour coiffure.

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