Love In A Time Of Chaos

It is necessary, for the sake of recovery and healthy growth, and to avoid self annihilation, to gain a perspective on love and loving that frees the soul for a deeper surrender to God's will, a willingness to submit to His greater love, in those times when one's heart is breaking.

It is far too easy to succumb to the thought that one is unlovable when the person to whom one is deeply attracted rejects any possibility of a personal, intimate communion from developing and progressing to marriage, the only forum, of course, in which the sexual expression of self sacrificing love should take place, given the revealed teaching of God and the obvious truth that authentic love requires complete fidelity.

In this day and age of "safe" human relationships, it should not surprise that people avoid terms like spouse or husband or wife because those terms signify a self surrender which is necessary for a true spiritual and physical communion to grow and flourish between a woman and a man.

One may be unloved, but that does not mean one is unlovable. For those who walk the path alone, if the heart becomes magnetized to another, enlivened by signs of affection offered by he or she who would become the immediate centre of one's emotional universe, and circumstances confirm a good and true relationship—e.g., mature conversation, mutual respect, mutual enjoyment of common interests, a common view of the dignity of human beings, a shared sense of purpose and goals in life—the devastation of unrequited love can prove a severe surprise and debilitating distraction. For someone who has become content being alone and serving God by offering his or her free time and resources to further the mission of the Gospel, a sudden brush with love for another person can prove paralyzing when that love is not reciprocated.

God is present to the suffering soul, of course, in the midst of any and all rejection. It is never a bad thing to love someone honestly, chastely and completely even when that person does not share the same kind of love for you. The thought that two people on opposite shores can become and remain friends is rarely a satisfying consolation immediately perceived in the wake of the obvious discovery that a relationship is to remain, for lack of a better word, platonic. Yet, in God and with God all things are possible. God, in the midst of our human matches and misses, will give grace that is true peace and gives direction to the heart. In the midst of pain, we must reach out to God with our hearts. No half measure will do—we must risk confronting the pain entirely, and offer it to God even as we may be falling apart.

The grace God gives is well timed to His purpose, not ours. We are split apart, forced to endure a calamity that can seem like a curse. "Why is it that others, who treat each other so badly, who violate each other's dignity by treating each other as commodities, why do they get to enjoy a physical communion and not me with another?", asks the man or woman who is celibate and chaste and longing for marriage. A fair question.

In the wake of a loss of equilibrium due to one-sided love, there will likely be shock, despair, doubt, confusion and sorrow, and perhaps a rapid and turbulent oscillation between the various feelings and emotions. The only hope for survival is to grieve what surely feels like a loss and to grieve without pretending that "okay" is somehow a sufficient way of being when one's heart is in turmoil and daily life becomes a struggle to contain the internal chaos, and the drama and mental gymnastics play out behind a drawn curtain. The coarse truth is that if no relationship of substance was ever established, in actuality there never was a loss, only the loss of something hoped-for or imagined. Still, the feelings play by a different rule book, and a loss to the heart is something that can overwhelm the head.

There will be times when our idols must be shattered, so that we may love God first and foremost. That God seems to want us exclusively for Himself may be the only consolation for the one unloved by another human being. Through a window of suffering, God can pour His true love into the fractured human heart, to purify the heart and reorient it to the greatest Love. Such a time will be a trial, a great and possibly terrifying encounter with the truth about the human condition: i.e., that many of us will never marry. We must not give in to temptation, the temptation to join unredeemed mankind in the commodification of others to sate our physical and emotional needs. In moments of temptation, we would be wise to proactively seek out spiritual direction and perhaps counselling before we slide into a despair of our own making. If one does slide beyond temptation into some illusory coping mechanism, then the confessional awaits, and the clarity and strength that awaits there should be entered into without delay.

When we place God first in our lives, all other relationships make sense and find meaning. We are designed for love by Love. If that first Love does not occupy the centre of our hearts, we will orbit a lesser object and, drawn by its gravity, will crash into it. By contrast, if we orbit the sun, we will be sustained in our lives by the Light which purifies our lives, our intentions, and makes us capable of living by that Light which draws us into authentic, lasting and radiant lives of love.

There is only one way to rise from the ashes of unrequited love: to fully and courageously embrace one's cross—to take that cross of suffering upon one's shoulders, to feel the weight of it with courage, to lift one's hands to God in supplication. And, we must pierce that fog of imagining that we cannot face a future without the love of that certain someone. Fear can consume us and leave us unable to commit to the next person who merits at least the opportunity to be considered a potential mate. Dare we form fear into a way of life that leaves us cowering in some real or metaphorical corner? No, we must find the courage to make the little step of trusting, to admit that we are in need of grace to assist the heart to reorient itself.

Lord, may my heart pierced by love, and pierced again by rejection, bring me closer to Your sacred heart, which You permitted to be pierced by sin for love of mankind. Enter in through my wounds and fill my heart with Thy love and mercy, to help me live in hope even in the midst of loss. May my wounds be joined to Yours, Lord Jesus. Amen.

To conclude: we are never alone. God Who made us for Himself provides all that is necessary to sustain us and help us thrive if we but choose to let grace—His life and power—touch our wounded hearts. He is there in every moment of our day, waiting for us to approach Him with the deepest cry of the heart: help me!

Father, Son and Holy Spirit, grant me the grace to bear this cross. Help me, for Thou art the Lord. Thou has made me; grant me, I beseech Thee, relief. Thou knowest that I trust in Thee. Wilt Thou not hear and answer my plea, the plea of Thy child? Teach me swiftly that which I must learn from this trial. Protect me from despair. Forgive my anger and frustration. Save me, O Lord. Help me to forget my own sufferings. Enter in, O Lord, through my wounds and purify my intentions. Watch over her (him), the one I so desire to be with. Protect and guide her (him) and lead her (him) into Thy everlasting embrace. Purify my witness so that, if it be Thy will I may be an instrument of Thy saving action, she (he) may come to know Thee more deeply—Father, Son and Holy Spirit—and be more attracted to Thee for the sake of her (his) soul. In Jesus' Name. Amen.