27 One-sided Parish Conversations Or Captions

Mickey Sean Winters

[ 3 minute read ]

1. Hey Doris, how is it that you always manage to arrive at the beginning of the Gospel, crochet your way through the homily until the Lamb of God, and then vanish right after Communion? Is there some kind of dispensation I don't know about?
2. Mickey, I guess you'll be adding one more item to your confession today, eh? That of cutting in line, aka elbowing one's way in, aka jumping the queue.
3. Have you enrolled your daughter in catechism class? What is catechism?! That's a program to help you mentor your child in the Faith and provides support for your child to help educate her allegedly Catholic parents.
4. Are you new here at Saint Gregory's? You're a regular? It's just that you seem so unfamiliar with the prayers and responses. Ohhh,... you were speaking in tongues. Maybe try sticking to the script.
5. Little Mickey really seems to enjoy causing a commotion during the consecration. That must be frustrating for you and your husband? Oh,... he's just your boyfriend... and he's the boy's father. 'Nuff said.
6. Don't you wish all kids could be as well behaved and helpful as any one of those eight McGarvey children? I understand their oldest boy is entering the seminary this September. How's your son doing? He's twenty-five and plays video games all day? Did I mention the oldest McGarvey son is entering seminary this September?
7. That?! That is the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. No, really! That's what Catholics believe. Apparently, someone missed that bit about the Real Presence in Confirmation class.
8. I know Sister Pantsuit encourages people to actively participate, but you do know that you're not supposed to shout the words of consecration along with the celebrant, right?
9. Hi Mickey. Nice to see you. Oh him? That's Father McDonald. He's been our pastor for 15 years at Saint You-Should-Know-Him-By-Now-If-You-Actually-Attended-Mass-On-A-Regular-Basis Parish.
10. So you binge watch reruns of Friends, but you can't rip yourself out of your La-Z-Boy to literally cross the street to spend an hour with the Blessed Sacrament in adoration? Sloth becomes you.
11. Have you ever been to a traditional Latin Mass? It doesn't feature scantily clad dancers and jugglers of the Holy Eucharist like the Novus Ordo Mass at Blessed Mickey Sean Winters Parish. However, it does have altar servers in lace cottas and cassocks.
12. What are you giving up for Lent? Yup, that's still a thing we do. Seriously.
13. Did you just come straight from the gym to Mass? I guess yoga pants are fine... when you're doing yoga... or sitting around watching reruns of Friends.
14. Doesn't that young lady look beautiful wearing her chapel veil? ... Huh? Really? That's your son? I'm confused. Ohhh... he's immersing himself in a role as part of his research for a theatre production at CINO High School. Let's hope he's a natural born method actor.
15. Have you read your Bible lately? You know,... that collection of books that mention God and all that stuff that "progressive" Catholics find awkward, like the commandments and hell?
16. Who is Saint Francis?! Nope, not the current pope of the same name. The other fellow who lived a life of poverty and virtue in the 12th and 13th Centuries. Saint Francis was called by God to clean up the mess others had made, and to rebuild Jesus' Church.
17. Bless you! Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were offering me a cashew. No thanks. I observe the pre-communion fast, and Mass hasn't begun yet.
18. What I think Pope Francis is trying to say is that he wants everyone to feel welcome, and that you don't actually have to be a faithful Catholic to be a faithful Catholic.
19. Why can't you have a second Host to take home with you?! Because the salt and pepper you coat your hands with before you go up for Holy Communion does nothing to reassure the pastor you won't pan fry the Blessed Sacrament at home which, if you actually did that, would constitute a desecration of the Holy Eucharist.
20. Do I know where in the parish library you can find "The Best of Fr. James Martin, SJ"? Try looking in the oxymoron section.
21. How dare you deadname Sister Charles Maria, OP! Just kidding Mr and Mrs Thompson. You must be thrilled on the occasion of your daughter making her perpetual profession.
22. You bought all of David Haas' recordings? There's this book about responsible stewardship that you should read. It's called, "Give money to the poor or enable opportunists and serial abusers? Hmm... lemme think on that one."
23. Don't ya just love the bitter taste of the hand sanitizer that transfers from the EMHC's hand to the Host?
24. You bought a bunch of Marko Rupnik's prints? There's this book about responsible stewardship that you should read. You might have heard about it.
25. Do I wanna hold hands during the Lord's Prayer? No, no thanks. I'm allergic to 1970s pre-COVID touchy-feely religion.
26. Yup, that's right. Catholics call God 'our Father'. Got a problem with that?
27. You don't like the incense? I think it helps cover the noxious perfumes, aftershave lotions and colognes people routinely drench themselves with, not to mention it mitigates some people's serious lack of personal hygiene. By-the-way, do you own a Basset Hound?