21st Century Church Furnishings And Other Stuff With Limited Appeal
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| Thuriferobot Mark II |
Moderate strength is shown in violence, supreme strength is shown in levity.
Gilbert K. Chesterton
- Ben Hogan Golf-themed Altar Frontal: style and... comfort?
- AI Confessional: spontaneous and comprehensive composition of penances.
- Kevlar® Cotta (could come in handy in some countries).
- Memory Foam Padded Kneelers.
- La-Z-Boy® Celebrant's Reclinable Sedile.
- Plasma Processional Torches: good for illuminating the Gospel and for welding.
- There-And-Back-Again Floor Strip Lighting: to guide communicants to receive communion and then guide them back to their pews (see also: Communion Conveyor Belt).
- Autonomous Robotic Thurifer (A.R.T.): able to produce copious amounts of smoke and operates in extreme conditions (e.g., Los Angeles Religious Education Congress).
- Communion Conveyor Belt: for slow moving communicants to board.
- Heelys Acolyte Skate Shoes: for fleet-footed altar servers.
- Temperature Controlled Chasuble: for comfort all the livelong day.
- Spill-proof Chalice: for those less dexterous communicants with a drinking problem of sorts.
- Portable Credence Table: liturgical catering trolly. Motorized version includes Bluetooth® remote control.
- Altar Heads-up Display: renders hard copy missals a thing of the past; voice command operations for page turns and instant resizing of text to assist priests with vision needs.
- Vertical Retractable Altar Rail (VeRe AltRa): lowers flush into the floor for Novus Ordo liturgies, and rises and locks into position for 1962 Missal and Divine Worship liturgies.
- Self Adjusting Stole: guaranteed to never slip off the shoulders or feel tight around the midriff.
- Airborne Acolyte: a drone for delivering altar breads and wine, lavabo bowl, ewer and towel to the celebrant; multiple accessories include Sanctus bells, aspergillum and extendable paten.
- Mandible Lector: a holographic projection that can be programmed to look and sound like the saint-of-the-day.
- Touchless Holy Water Font: no more dipping; hold your fingers under the sensor to receive a quick splash (fun fact: someone constructed this device: https://www.bbroughton.com/product/ST/hwd/holy-water-touchless-automatic-d
- Hydraulic Adjustable Pews: change the floor-to-seat height to avoid leg cramping or adjust to help little ones get a better view of the sanctuary.
- Electric Virge: provides a convincing reminder to encourage conformity among those who attempt to jump the confession or communion queue.
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WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
I doubt not then but innocence shall make false accusation blush, and tyranny tremble at patience.
WORDS TO THE WHYS
You cannot subsidize irresponsibility and expect people to become more responsible. Thomas Sowell
EPICTETUS
If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, "He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone."
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