21st Century Church Furnishings And Other Stuff With Limited Appeal

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Thuriferobot Mark II

Moderate strength is shown in violence, supreme strength is shown in levity.
Gilbert K. Chesterton
  1. Ben Hogan Golf-themed Altar Frontal: style and... comfort?
  2. AI Confessional: spontaneous and comprehensive composition of penances.
  3. Kevlar® Cotta (could come in handy in some countries).
  4. Memory Foam Padded Kneelers.
  5. La-Z-Boy® Celebrant's Reclinable Sedile.
  6. Plasma Processional Torches: good for illuminating the Gospel and for welding.
  7. There-And-Back-Again Floor Strip Lighting: to guide communicants to receive communion and then guide them back to their pews (see also: Communion Conveyor Belt).
  8. Autonomous Robotic Thurifer (A.R.T.): able to produce copious amounts of smoke and operates in extreme conditions (e.g., Los Angeles Religious Education Congress).
  9. Communion Conveyor Belt: for slow moving communicants to board.
  10. Heelys Acolyte Skate Shoes: for fleet-footed altar servers.
  11. Temperature Controlled Chasuble: for comfort all the livelong day.
  12. Spill-proof Chalice: for those less dexterous communicants with a drinking problem of sorts.
  13. Portable Credence Table: liturgical catering trolly. Motorized version includes Bluetooth® remote control.
  14. Altar Heads-up Display: renders hard copy missals a thing of the past; voice command operations for page turns and instant resizing of text to assist priests with vision needs.
  15. Vertical Retractable Altar Rail (VeRe AltRa): lowers flush into the floor for Novus Ordo liturgies, and rises and locks into position for 1962 Missal and Divine Worship liturgies.
  16. Self Adjusting Stole: guaranteed to never slip off the shoulders or feel tight around the midriff.
  17. Airborne Acolyte: a drone for delivering altar breads and wine, lavabo bowl, ewer and towel to the celebrant; multiple accessories include Sanctus bells, aspergillum and extendable paten.
  18. Mandible Lector: a holographic projection that can be programmed to look and sound like the saint-of-the-day.
  19. Touchless Holy Water Font: no more dipping; hold your fingers under the sensor to receive a quick splash (fun fact: someone constructed this device: https://www.bbroughton.com/product/ST/hwd/holy-water-touchless-automatic-d
  20. Hydraulic Adjustable Pews: change the floor-to-seat height to avoid leg cramping or adjust to help little ones get a better view of the sanctuary.
  21. Electric Virge: provides a convincing reminder to encourage conformity among those who attempt to jump the confession or communion queue.

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